Spam

I admit it: I sometimes enjoy reading spam mail.

Not often.  and I do use a defunct email address for my online needs, a spam filter on my email, and occasional email address changes to keep spam to a minimum.  But once in a while, you have to give these guys a read.

Anyone who would fail to grasp the futility in sending a message riddled with spelling errors in all caps and clearly labelled as being from a "barrister" in Nigeria must either be a tremendous cynic who has no faith in human intelligence or an extreme optimist who can't accept that he's wasting his time.  Does anyone ever fall for these things? 

Today's spam comes from someone who interestingly calls himself Prophet Tarsam Hayre.  Prophet!  There's  a new one.  You'd think if he were so prophetically inclined he would know that he's destined for deletion.  But for kicks, do allow me to share with you, directly from my email "junk" folder....

The message is entitled (in all caps) "CURE FOR YOUR PROBLEMS" and politely begins with an apology for the "inconvenience this email will give you"... really unless it comes with its own special prophetic curse, there's not much inconvenience in just hitting delete, but you'd think the Prophet would know that.   So my vote is that its cursed...   Kind of like chain letters that insist on being forwarded or some evil monster will eat your young.

But Prophet Tarsam goes on... we, the people are no doubt waiting for his oracle on the edge of our seats...

The prophet tells me he has the cure for AIDS and cancer.  You'd think, if he did, he'd be too rich and busy jetting around signing autographs and giving lectures to send me spam.  How toughtful of him to take the time between appointments, from his busy schedule, to message me directly making no reference to my name, location, or other identifying information.  I'm in awe. 

Kindly he goes on: "For success in examinations,interview,lottery games,court cases and any kind of spiritual assistance we are there for you."  Yeah, so is the local tarot reader, and probably cheaper, just as accurate, and less likely to ask for my bank account information.  Has anyone tipped this guy off about the Biblical response to false prophets?  No probably not...
"If you have or you know anyone with the above problems mentioned kindly contact us immediately or send us your phone number," thus saith Tarsam... not only your own phone number, but if the sucker born this minute knows of anybody else who would like a call, preferably somebody really afflicted and willing to hand over wads of cash and personal information, do please do Tarsam a favor and forward this person's number along... after Tarsam can't waste his prophetic powers just listening to the hum of the universe for the cries of the oppressed... he must rely on you, the innocent sucker, to bring those cries to his doorstep.   Anything else would take too much time out of his busy AIDS and cancer curing schedule.

Sheesh... and you thought he was just being a lazy spammer.

Cynic.

Tarsam reminds the gentle reader to "Remember every king or queen needs a prophet."
Because Tarsam has no idea whether I and the multitude of "undisclosed recipients" who no doubt are eagerly awaiting his next oracle are boy-suckers or girl-suckers.


And in closing Tarsam, in his world class English, kindly invites response, as all good spammers do: "Looking forward to hear from you."

Ah, Tarsam...  The Prophet.... has spoken.

Don't you just feel all warm and tingly in the reading of it????